well shit I almost died!

I had a close encounter with my own death 3 months ago - in August of 2014.

Here I was, 27, healthy, happy, going about my merry little life - in fact, I had just hiked the South Sister in Bend, Oregon (10,000+ feet elevation & a 12 hour endeavor!!)  the weekend before everything happened. I felt invincible of death… having the 'what am I going to be when I grow up?' sort of mentality. 

About 2 months leading up to this I had been having an upper back pain that I was seeing a chiropractor for. One day out of of the blue I developed a sharp pain in my right side, that grew worse and worse as the day went on. Before I knew it, it was 4am, I was in the ER being diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism (blood clots in both sides of my lungs) and being admitted to the hospital for several days.

what the?

I didn't actually realize how severe my condition was until after 3 days in the hospital when I was able to walk around for the first time and having a passer-by nurse tell me that I was 'lucky to be alive.' In that moment, I fell to the ground and broke down in tears.

2 days later I was able to go home and found myself crying out tears of pure gratitude for my life - with a sincerity I have never felt before….I was in a state of complete confusion for what had just happened and also feeling the most exhausted I have ever been in my life.

It has been 3 months since this happened and I am still in recovery. I now take medication that I will be on the rest of my life and in fact, I am going to see a doctor next week because I still have pain in my lungs when I breath… although this could very likely only be part of the healing process. Unfortunately, the symptoms and recovery are very much alike.

so what am I saying with this?

I guess, I guess that fuck, life is short. and we say this to ourselves and to everyone over and over again. and I'm thankful to have had this experience slap me in the face because I have an even deeper understanding of what it means - life. is. short. The moment for living is right now, not an hour or tomorrow or somewhere-in-the-near-future. Realizing, aka fully understanding this has been and will always be a process. But I am changed from it, forever. The present moment has become more precious to me than it ever has before… whether I'm at work, laughing my ass off with friends, standing in the longest-line-ever at the super market, eating a meal, making love -- it's aaaaallllll precious. and part of it. Part of this experience called life. and although this experience hasn't all of the sudden made me peruse all my dreams and passions and live exactly how I dreamt I should be living (not yet, at least), it has brought me closer to this moment. whatever it may be.