the biggest gift

“find in what look like sorrows, the seedlings of your joy”

Just over a year ago I left a relationship of 5 years. This relationship started when I was 21 and I was madly in love with the man since I was a kid. It began beautifully with romance, laughter, happy experiences and true love… but as more and more time passed it turned into a verbally abusive, then physically abusive relationship that only became more severe over time. I had always believed that I would never allow myself to be in an abusive relationship -- and I would hear about these women who would stick around with men who hurt them and I considered them weak and foolish for doing so. But then there I was, smack dab in the middle of one – and I stayed for years.

With this environment came deep, deep unhappiness within me. I ached with pain nearly every day… had suicidal thoughts and true hatred of myself. I felt trapped in my situation and myself and didn’t feel worthy or strong enough to leave… but every day I begged God for a sign or strength or something that would make me able to leave the situation that I felt I was drowning in.

One day the abuse was so severe and loud enough that my neighbors called the cops. It was the worst incident yet… I felt completely humiliated having to speak to the cops in front of my neighbors and I even lied to them about the abuse (I still don’t know why I did this). But this was the sign I was begging for that gave me the strength to finally leave. I had had enough.

Now, a year later – I see this relationship as the biggest gift of my life. 

Throughout the years of abuse and the deep unhappiness I felt, it caused me to truly self-reflect and go within myself to try to repair anything I could. Although the solutions I came up with were never a fix long term, it caused me to grow as a person in all ways, little by little. It taught be about forgiveness and showed me God and spirituality. I began a meditation practice and started going to Buddhism meetings. 

I believe that I somehow needed this struggle to really have a purpose to search for happiness and truth. I learned what feels like an infinite amount of lessons in this relationship and really transformed as a person. How can I not have anything but gratitude for this experience?

To me, this was a divine lesson on struggle and as I reflect back, I know that every single challenging or trying time in my life has always made me grow as a person; grow spiritually and ultimately made me more whole and happier. I find myself now at a place in life where I embrace struggle. This is not to say it feels easy or is enjoyable – because it’s not. But if you can practice simply letting the struggle be… and have faith that it is for a deeper reason – for your growth and for a better you; you will witness the joy emerge for the circumstance.