just a moment

do you realize...

we are here impermanently?

and that at any moment,

that moment could be it.

i don't know what to make of that…

but each time this awareness presents itself to me, 

i have an inner knowing…

that my 

EXISTENCE 

is 

FOR A REASON.

and even if at this moment that reason is unknown….

i understand deeply that every second matters.

and this subtle reminder…

brings me back...

to my body, to my breath, to this moment.

where liveliness lives, and joy resides.

my awakening

I experienced my spiritual awakening about two years ago. I’ve learned that no two spiritual awakenings are the same… but that they do share commonalties.  I was faced with a lot of hardships growing up – including sexual abuse, unsafe living environments and the absence of my father.

As I grew older, I was essentially unaware of the pain these instances caused as I had blocked most of it out of my memory.  I believe they served as motivators for me in life. I had always worked hard in school and work. I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree just after I turned 21 – I was very ambitious and all I wanted was to be successful – which I measured by money, material things and a good-looking boyfriend. To me, these things equaled happiness.

After college, I spent my early 20s in California – which had always been a dream of mine. I was dating the man I had had a crush on since childhood and we were running a small successful fashion business together. Everything around me appeared to be perfect, the ‘success’ I had always imagined for myself. And I wanted it so deeply that I ignored the feeling inside myself that knew it wasn’t right.

My relationship with my boyfriend was very unhealthy…. Yet it looked good on the outside and at the time, that was good enough for me. But things only worsened over time. Our relationship was filled with emotional and physical abuse, alcoholism and destructive behaviors and habits. After 5 years of life in California, with my dream guy and my dream business, I found myself in the darkest place of my life – a rock bottom, and all I could do was wonder how the heck I had gotten there when everything appeared to be what I had wanted.

Depression, anxiety and anger were emotions I felt daily. The feeling of happiness was only a memory and I had turned into a person I didn’t even recognize. I wanted help and to be better so desperately… but I couldn’t see how to do that.

At the time I didn’t have a connection what-so-ever to God or a higher power. I thought of it on such a shallow level. On a physical level, conceptually, the existence of God didn’t make sense, so I wrote it off. I had never had the emotional, ‘heart’ experience of God before.

I remember crying in the mirror almost every day… begging for an answer to ‘what is wrong with me?’ ‘please help me!’ and ‘who am I?’

This was my rock bottom…. and this is where my healing and spiritual awakening began.

It began slowly. I started to read self-help books and began listening to guided meditations. Through this I learned how powerful our minds are. I no longer saw myself as a victim to my rough childhood or to my current life situation. I kept hearing and reading that we create our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs… and that we can change our thoughts and ultimately change as a person…. I realized deeply that I was not ‘stuck’ with who I had become. I could change and happiness is a choice – I wanted to be happy! I wanted it so much.  

I learned that there are 3 essential keys to self transformation and they are: having the desire to do so, the discipline to put forth effort and action every day toward your goals and lastly, patience to allow yourself to transform… because it takes time.
 

After a couple of months of diligent self-help reading, meditation and finding a spiritual path through Buddhism, I began to see things differently… and this happened automatically – without having to try to see things differently. I began to feel gratitude in my heart for simply being alive.  My anxiety was slowly fading away and a sense of calmness came over me.

For me, I had a significant experience in my awakening that occurred in just a moment of time which I believe was the result of months and months of seeking for truth and wanting to be better. After that moment, my life was transformed forever. It was about two years ago and I remember it so vividly and still feel it so deeply.

I had been studying the practice of Buddhism and was listening to a Buddhist mantra – Mantra of Avalokiteshvara – which I was just drawn to and listened to several times a day for months leading up to this. It just felt healing. As I was listening to it, I was in the bathroom doing my hair and all of the sudden I felt this wave of warm, light, tingling energy wash over my body from head to toe. I instantly broke down in tears of joy and realized that at this moment, I had forgiven so many people and things that I had subconsciously been holding onto my whole life. I think it was my first true experience with forgiveness. I cried tears of compassion and had a sense of understanding for all of the people that I felt had hurt me in my life. It was as if I was seeing things from their perspective and all I could feel was unconditional love for them. To this day, it was the most profound and enriching experience I have ever had.. and from that day forward, I was changed.  I had released ‘baggage’ that I had been carrying around since early childhood and no longer felt victimized by it. I understood… and all that I wanted to do was express love to those people that hurt me.

With this new sense of understanding, I felt so connected to my higher self. I had a love in my heart that I had never experienced before – and the love was for everybody. I was more at peace than I had ever been and felt safe and genuinely happy. This experience changed me so much and I was able to peacefully let go of all of the unhealthy people and situations in life which weren’t serving me.

It has been about two years and I continue to nurture my spirituality through meditation, reading, yoga and life experiences – good and bad, which offer valuable lessons. In the past two years I have transformed myself for the better so much. Every day provides opportunities for insight, love and wisdom. I have found a sense of peace and happiness that is stable and always with me. And although I do get the lows of depression or anxiety, it is far less often, far less intense and never long-lasting.

with love,
katie lain

the biggest gift

“find in what look like sorrows, the seedlings of your joy”

Just over a year ago I left a relationship of 5 years. This relationship started when I was 21 and I was madly in love with the man since I was a kid. It began beautifully with romance, laughter, happy experiences and true love… but as more and more time passed it turned into a verbally abusive, then physically abusive relationship that only became more severe over time. I had always believed that I would never allow myself to be in an abusive relationship -- and I would hear about these women who would stick around with men who hurt them and I considered them weak and foolish for doing so. But then there I was, smack dab in the middle of one – and I stayed for years.

With this environment came deep, deep unhappiness within me. I ached with pain nearly every day… had suicidal thoughts and true hatred of myself. I felt trapped in my situation and myself and didn’t feel worthy or strong enough to leave… but every day I begged God for a sign or strength or something that would make me able to leave the situation that I felt I was drowning in.

One day the abuse was so severe and loud enough that my neighbors called the cops. It was the worst incident yet… I felt completely humiliated having to speak to the cops in front of my neighbors and I even lied to them about the abuse (I still don’t know why I did this). But this was the sign I was begging for that gave me the strength to finally leave. I had had enough.

Now, a year later – I see this relationship as the biggest gift of my life. 

Throughout the years of abuse and the deep unhappiness I felt, it caused me to truly self-reflect and go within myself to try to repair anything I could. Although the solutions I came up with were never a fix long term, it caused me to grow as a person in all ways, little by little. It taught be about forgiveness and showed me God and spirituality. I began a meditation practice and started going to Buddhism meetings. 

I believe that I somehow needed this struggle to really have a purpose to search for happiness and truth. I learned what feels like an infinite amount of lessons in this relationship and really transformed as a person. How can I not have anything but gratitude for this experience?

To me, this was a divine lesson on struggle and as I reflect back, I know that every single challenging or trying time in my life has always made me grow as a person; grow spiritually and ultimately made me more whole and happier. I find myself now at a place in life where I embrace struggle. This is not to say it feels easy or is enjoyable – because it’s not. But if you can practice simply letting the struggle be… and have faith that it is for a deeper reason – for your growth and for a better you; you will witness the joy emerge for the circumstance.

Riding the Waves of Life

At my Buddhism meeting last night, our teacher spoke about acceptance of what is in life – in order to stay present and to enjoy this moment, since it is all we have. When presence is put into practice, you develop the ability, the gift, to experience all situations – good and bad, without reaction but with embrace. Life becomes more of a magical observation that you are a part of - rather than an experience separate from yourself.  To exist in a state of being, to “go with the flow,” provides an inner peace and true joy within oneself – no matter what happens to or around you. You start to embrace and truly see the beauty in everything.... and this feeling is liberating.

A little prelude...
For the first 20-something years of my life, I was entirely at the whim of my circumstances - good or bad and everything in between. Because of this, I suffered from turbulent emotional ups and downs. I mostly internalized the downs for fear of judgment from others - which lead to deeply rooted self hate, self sabotage through eating disorders and lack of self care. I was regularly anxious and stressed.  I never felt good enough or worthy enough - no matter what I was doing. My life felt out of control and my internal state of being depended completely on what was happening around me.

Throughout this time in my life, I would encounter people who could go with the flow and be calm, cool and genuinely happy in nearly any circumstance. They seemed to have it figured out and I would never forget them and always admire them. Feeling burnt out with my current state of life - and at times very depressed and even suicidal, I wanted to exist in a better way so badly that it drove me to search for ways to improve my emotional state. What I found was transformational and profound... and I learned that there is essentially an endless amount of people, information, spiritual practices - you name it, that taught me and can teach you to exist differently - and it has been a growing, expansive gift ever since. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. -- Tao saying.

What I've learned...
When your state of being is at the whim of your surroundings, circumstances, people, events… this means that your state of happiness or sadness (and everywhere in between) relies fully on your outer experience – which is entirely out of your control and always susceptible to change. It becomes an emotional roller coaster. However, when you can generate the ability to accept all situations and circumstances as they are, without placing blame or judgment on them – you achieve a state of peacefulness. The more you practice this, the longer you can remain in that state...  trusting that everything will be okay regardless of what circumstances come into your life.

This way of living, of being, is something that can be extremely difficult to put into action or even grasp, because humans are creatures of habit... we spend our lives acting on patterns of habit and patterns of thought that become more and more ingrained the longer we practice them. We are, however, fully capable of changing and creating new habit patterns and thought patterns that can positively transform your life forever in ways you never saw as possible. At first it feels forced, uncomfortable, unnatural and wrong; but, the more you act on a new habit, the easier it gets and soon enough, it feels as natural. With this transformation, an unconditional state of joy arises. 

The first step to take is to simply have the desire to change....the desire to be a better version of yourself. Once you have this, keep asking questions and keep searching for ways to improve. Most importantly, it takes practice, patience and diligent effort. It does not happen over night. But once the effort is put in place, then every single day of your life becomes a beautiful, rich growing experience - and you begin to notice small changes within yourself which magnify ten times over in all areas of your life.

Some things that got me started...
As I mentioned above, there are countless resources available for internal growth and life transformation. Listed below are just a few of the resources that have been impactful in my life... and it is important to understand how much USEFUL content is on YouTube. This has been a SENSATIONAL resource for me and still is today.

1. The work of Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra (and many Spiritual teachers) who can put into words things that are so hard to understand.
2. Tony Robbins - Life Coach, Self-Help Author and Motivational Speaker
I started by simply listening to Tony Robbins talks/presentations on YouTube.
3. Books on Neuroscience... there are so many.
Reading about the brain taught me that my brain is not stuck where it is. I learned how to retrain ingrained thought/reaction patterns which are entirely linked to our emotional and physical way of living.
4. Guided Meditations. Regular practice of good guided meditations that resonate with you can change the way you think and feel. I personally really like Kelly Howell

5. Movies! Have you seen What the Bleep do we Know, The Secret, I Am, or You Can Heal Your Life?
6. Having a spiritual practice... whatever that means to you. Connecting with nature, a religion, giving back, expressing unconditional love, prayer, silent meditation, expressing gratitude... whatever it is that allows you to connect with your soul.

Thank you, all for now.

With love.

Katie Lain