this is how we change the world

i express my love for life
by smiling at strangers as I pass them by
silently yet deeply wishing them great joy and happiness
recognizing that they are divinity -
sparked into life.
and i am, too.
this is how we change the world.

Frustration moves you

The energy behind frustration… behind anger is a powerful force. It can create a momentum that generates change. A change that you have potentially wanted for a long while – whether consciously or subconsciously, but have not had a force influential enough to make it happen.

Early on in my awakening I thought of these emotions as simply negative. I thought they were bad and we should not allow them to surface. What I have learned, however, is that these “negative emotions” are only bad if we impulsively react to them. This sort of reaction can produce negative and harmful effects where we think, say and do things we undoubtedly regret later on. If we can allow these emotions to simply be… soon enough, they will pass – and in the interim until they do, a lot of introspection and growth can happen.

We always hear -- and truthfully, deeply understand the power that is also behind more “positive emotions” – those of gratitude and love. This power can create change and move you too… to be better, happier and more loving. These emotions are some of the best I’ve ever felt.  However, to maintain these emotions 100% of the time is unfeasible. We are only human and ever-evolving, ever-learning, ever-changing spiritually.

It is important to realize that the emotions we feel – from love and gratitude to anger and frustration - are all essential to our spiritual growth. They provide insight and understanding to oneself and the world around us. All emotions change us and keep us developing on our spiritual path – so long as we are mindful of them.

The Freedom of Self Control

"Through discipline comes Freedom."

- Aristotle 

I feel the idea of 'self control' has a sort of negative connotation to it that intimidates people from it. It feels difficult and like hard work.  But without self control, there is only impulse - right or wrong. 

To me, self control is the daily practice of mindfulness. Where in the present moment, you take the opportunity to consider how your decision now will impact your future self… meaning, your future self 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months from now. Though this practice, you gain awareness of the present moment. You gain the opportunity to check-in with what you want for your future self on a regular basis.

We have circumstances that arise everyday where self control can be practiced. And through the practice of self control… mindfulness… discipline… a connection forges from your heart to your higher power. However you interpret that power. It's a feeling that can be described as magical - exciting, inspiring and energizing… and nothing is more freeing. From it comes a genuine connection to your true self, a humble self-confidence and peace within that you carry within you no matter what good, bad or mundane circumstances come your way. Because they all will at one time or another.

What I've learned through this…  is to simply never give up on your practice of self control… of discipline and mindfulness. You will falter! You will find happiness in acting on impulse and feel that at times it's easier to. But I've learned this happiness is fleeting and only temporary. The happiness that exists with the practice of mindfulness and self control comes from deep within and has no bearing to the present circumstances or conditions - it exists eternally and indefinitely... and is within each and every one of us. We just have to connect to it.

my awakening

I experienced my spiritual awakening about two years ago. I’ve learned that no two spiritual awakenings are the same… but that they do share commonalties.  I was faced with a lot of hardships growing up – including sexual abuse, unsafe living environments and the absence of my father.

As I grew older, I was essentially unaware of the pain these instances caused as I had blocked most of it out of my memory.  I believe they served as motivators for me in life. I had always worked hard in school and work. I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree just after I turned 21 – I was very ambitious and all I wanted was to be successful – which I measured by money, material things and a good-looking boyfriend. To me, these things equaled happiness.

After college, I spent my early 20s in California – which had always been a dream of mine. I was dating the man I had had a crush on since childhood and we were running a small successful fashion business together. Everything around me appeared to be perfect, the ‘success’ I had always imagined for myself. And I wanted it so deeply that I ignored the feeling inside myself that knew it wasn’t right.

My relationship with my boyfriend was very unhealthy…. Yet it looked good on the outside and at the time, that was good enough for me. But things only worsened over time. Our relationship was filled with emotional and physical abuse, alcoholism and destructive behaviors and habits. After 5 years of life in California, with my dream guy and my dream business, I found myself in the darkest place of my life – a rock bottom, and all I could do was wonder how the heck I had gotten there when everything appeared to be what I had wanted.

Depression, anxiety and anger were emotions I felt daily. The feeling of happiness was only a memory and I had turned into a person I didn’t even recognize. I wanted help and to be better so desperately… but I couldn’t see how to do that.

At the time I didn’t have a connection what-so-ever to God or a higher power. I thought of it on such a shallow level. On a physical level, conceptually, the existence of God didn’t make sense, so I wrote it off. I had never had the emotional, ‘heart’ experience of God before.

I remember crying in the mirror almost every day… begging for an answer to ‘what is wrong with me?’ ‘please help me!’ and ‘who am I?’

This was my rock bottom…. and this is where my healing and spiritual awakening began.

It began slowly. I started to read self-help books and began listening to guided meditations. Through this I learned how powerful our minds are. I no longer saw myself as a victim to my rough childhood or to my current life situation. I kept hearing and reading that we create our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs… and that we can change our thoughts and ultimately change as a person…. I realized deeply that I was not ‘stuck’ with who I had become. I could change and happiness is a choice – I wanted to be happy! I wanted it so much.  

I learned that there are 3 essential keys to self transformation and they are: having the desire to do so, the discipline to put forth effort and action every day toward your goals and lastly, patience to allow yourself to transform… because it takes time.
 

After a couple of months of diligent self-help reading, meditation and finding a spiritual path through Buddhism, I began to see things differently… and this happened automatically – without having to try to see things differently. I began to feel gratitude in my heart for simply being alive.  My anxiety was slowly fading away and a sense of calmness came over me.

For me, I had a significant experience in my awakening that occurred in just a moment of time which I believe was the result of months and months of seeking for truth and wanting to be better. After that moment, my life was transformed forever. It was about two years ago and I remember it so vividly and still feel it so deeply.

I had been studying the practice of Buddhism and was listening to a Buddhist mantra – Mantra of Avalokiteshvara – which I was just drawn to and listened to several times a day for months leading up to this. It just felt healing. As I was listening to it, I was in the bathroom doing my hair and all of the sudden I felt this wave of warm, light, tingling energy wash over my body from head to toe. I instantly broke down in tears of joy and realized that at this moment, I had forgiven so many people and things that I had subconsciously been holding onto my whole life. I think it was my first true experience with forgiveness. I cried tears of compassion and had a sense of understanding for all of the people that I felt had hurt me in my life. It was as if I was seeing things from their perspective and all I could feel was unconditional love for them. To this day, it was the most profound and enriching experience I have ever had.. and from that day forward, I was changed.  I had released ‘baggage’ that I had been carrying around since early childhood and no longer felt victimized by it. I understood… and all that I wanted to do was express love to those people that hurt me.

With this new sense of understanding, I felt so connected to my higher self. I had a love in my heart that I had never experienced before – and the love was for everybody. I was more at peace than I had ever been and felt safe and genuinely happy. This experience changed me so much and I was able to peacefully let go of all of the unhealthy people and situations in life which weren’t serving me.

It has been about two years and I continue to nurture my spirituality through meditation, reading, yoga and life experiences – good and bad, which offer valuable lessons. In the past two years I have transformed myself for the better so much. Every day provides opportunities for insight, love and wisdom. I have found a sense of peace and happiness that is stable and always with me. And although I do get the lows of depression or anxiety, it is far less often, far less intense and never long-lasting.

with love,
katie lain

Integrity and Humility

I have not posted in a little while. Life has been challenging lately… and while I am eager to write down my experience, I have not fully processed it yet and seem to be at a loss for words.

One lesson I can share which I have come away with through these hardships is that of integrity and humility. By that I mean the fine dance between maintaining your own truth – your own integrity,  while also remaining humble and open to new ideas, new ways of thinking and of being. This is the where growth lies on the spiritual path and why consistent mindfulness is so crucial to spiritual progression.

One of the practices I have found to be successful in my spiritual path is to always remain open and flexible to everything that presents itself to you... to go with the flow of life… “…be like water” as Bruce Lee is infamous for saying. Humility. The test however, lies in keeping a mindful eye on everything you are presented with in life – and to be connected with your truth and to stand by that truth, always. Integrity.

The tests for me lie in the moments where my humility is present, and I am remaining open, but in order to hold true to my integrity, I must speak up and speak my truth. This practice is new to me... and at these moments of applying the practice, I often find myself in contemplation of my integrity, which always leads me to further understanding of myself and my own truth. This is the constant practice of mindfulness... and with this I have come to an understanding that while humility and flexibility are crucial to evolving spiritually – so is speaking up and holding true to your own integrity… no matter how uncomfortable it may feel.

Cheers to that…. <3

With love,

Katie