my awakening

I experienced my spiritual awakening about two years ago. I’ve learned that no two spiritual awakenings are the same… but that they do share commonalties.  I was faced with a lot of hardships growing up – including sexual abuse, unsafe living environments and the absence of my father.

As I grew older, I was essentially unaware of the pain these instances caused as I had blocked most of it out of my memory.  I believe they served as motivators for me in life. I had always worked hard in school and work. I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree just after I turned 21 – I was very ambitious and all I wanted was to be successful – which I measured by money, material things and a good-looking boyfriend. To me, these things equaled happiness.

After college, I spent my early 20s in California – which had always been a dream of mine. I was dating the man I had had a crush on since childhood and we were running a small successful fashion business together. Everything around me appeared to be perfect, the ‘success’ I had always imagined for myself. And I wanted it so deeply that I ignored the feeling inside myself that knew it wasn’t right.

My relationship with my boyfriend was very unhealthy…. Yet it looked good on the outside and at the time, that was good enough for me. But things only worsened over time. Our relationship was filled with emotional and physical abuse, alcoholism and destructive behaviors and habits. After 5 years of life in California, with my dream guy and my dream business, I found myself in the darkest place of my life – a rock bottom, and all I could do was wonder how the heck I had gotten there when everything appeared to be what I had wanted.

Depression, anxiety and anger were emotions I felt daily. The feeling of happiness was only a memory and I had turned into a person I didn’t even recognize. I wanted help and to be better so desperately… but I couldn’t see how to do that.

At the time I didn’t have a connection what-so-ever to God or a higher power. I thought of it on such a shallow level. On a physical level, conceptually, the existence of God didn’t make sense, so I wrote it off. I had never had the emotional, ‘heart’ experience of God before.

I remember crying in the mirror almost every day… begging for an answer to ‘what is wrong with me?’ ‘please help me!’ and ‘who am I?’

This was my rock bottom…. and this is where my healing and spiritual awakening began.

It began slowly. I started to read self-help books and began listening to guided meditations. Through this I learned how powerful our minds are. I no longer saw myself as a victim to my rough childhood or to my current life situation. I kept hearing and reading that we create our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs… and that we can change our thoughts and ultimately change as a person…. I realized deeply that I was not ‘stuck’ with who I had become. I could change and happiness is a choice – I wanted to be happy! I wanted it so much.  

I learned that there are 3 essential keys to self transformation and they are: having the desire to do so, the discipline to put forth effort and action every day toward your goals and lastly, patience to allow yourself to transform… because it takes time.
 

After a couple of months of diligent self-help reading, meditation and finding a spiritual path through Buddhism, I began to see things differently… and this happened automatically – without having to try to see things differently. I began to feel gratitude in my heart for simply being alive.  My anxiety was slowly fading away and a sense of calmness came over me.

For me, I had a significant experience in my awakening that occurred in just a moment of time which I believe was the result of months and months of seeking for truth and wanting to be better. After that moment, my life was transformed forever. It was about two years ago and I remember it so vividly and still feel it so deeply.

I had been studying the practice of Buddhism and was listening to a Buddhist mantra – Mantra of Avalokiteshvara – which I was just drawn to and listened to several times a day for months leading up to this. It just felt healing. As I was listening to it, I was in the bathroom doing my hair and all of the sudden I felt this wave of warm, light, tingling energy wash over my body from head to toe. I instantly broke down in tears of joy and realized that at this moment, I had forgiven so many people and things that I had subconsciously been holding onto my whole life. I think it was my first true experience with forgiveness. I cried tears of compassion and had a sense of understanding for all of the people that I felt had hurt me in my life. It was as if I was seeing things from their perspective and all I could feel was unconditional love for them. To this day, it was the most profound and enriching experience I have ever had.. and from that day forward, I was changed.  I had released ‘baggage’ that I had been carrying around since early childhood and no longer felt victimized by it. I understood… and all that I wanted to do was express love to those people that hurt me.

With this new sense of understanding, I felt so connected to my higher self. I had a love in my heart that I had never experienced before – and the love was for everybody. I was more at peace than I had ever been and felt safe and genuinely happy. This experience changed me so much and I was able to peacefully let go of all of the unhealthy people and situations in life which weren’t serving me.

It has been about two years and I continue to nurture my spirituality through meditation, reading, yoga and life experiences – good and bad, which offer valuable lessons. In the past two years I have transformed myself for the better so much. Every day provides opportunities for insight, love and wisdom. I have found a sense of peace and happiness that is stable and always with me. And although I do get the lows of depression or anxiety, it is far less often, far less intense and never long-lasting.

with love,
katie lain