Like many other young females, I am somebody who at several points in my life experienced an eating disorder. I was "successful" at this disorder and at one point got down to nearly 100 pounds on my 5’5” frame. Everyone told me I was ‘too skinny’ and little did they know that was feeding my desire to be thin, and encouraging me to become even thinner.
In hindsight, believe my obsession with my weight and food
management was largely attributed to my desire to control the situations I was
in. Each time I fell back into my eating disorder, I was living in an unstable
home/work/life environment – and by controlling my weight, in turn I felt I was
controlling my circumstances which felt out of control.
To be honest, despite my unhealthy obsession with my weight
and food, I loved the way I felt on a daily basis. I had a sense of confidence
and my body felt really good.There were however, always the low ‘relapse’ times where I would binge eat to the point of feeling like I couldn’t move. I believe this was because most of the time, my body felt like it was starving, so as soon as I would relax on my obsession, I would eat as much as I could to satisfy this hunger.
Through the starving and binging, there was a constant self-talk
in my head. This self-talk was very harsh and hateful toward me. “You would
look better if you just lost 5 more pounds.” “You ate too much last night, you will look
fat. Don’t eat another thing today.” And on and on. I was never loving to
myself, always critical. I never considered the state of my health; it was
about my physical appearance only. I look back at pictures now and can’t
believe how skinny I look – but at the time, I still did not feel comfortable
enough to run shirtless in a sports bra (my major goal at the time - which I felt I never
reached).
The time came where I finally left my unhealthy,
uncontrollable life situation, which I believe was the major cause of my eating
disorder. This change happened within 24 hours and bam - I was in an entirely new state, with new people and a new job around me. My life circumstances were totally different to be honest, I was nervous about all the change, even though it was all for the better, I had a fear inside me that
I wouldn’t have a reason (aka unsafe life situation) to control my weight. (side note, this sounds crazy to me now, but it is what I thought!) There
was definitely a truth to this because I did gain weight back – about 20 pounds
over the past two years. Some of this
was frankly done in binge eating – eating (and drinking) my emotions as I transitioned out of
my bad situation. Feeling that the food was a comfort to me, then old habits
kick in and I would starve myself again out of regret for eating so much. I have
been in a battle with myself between letting go and falling back into the
unhealthy obsession with my body and weight. However, I can truthfully say that I
am improving. Breaking those obsessive
habits takes a true purpose and desire to – and also a true love of oneself. Over the past two years, through a lot of ups
and downs, I have become more consistent in my health practices. I have grown
in love and compassion for myself which has resulted in me treating myself with kindness and respect, and a growing desire to take good
care of myself... through mind, body and soul.
I can also attribute this new found form of healthy ‘self-care’
and weight maintenance to the idea of transformational weight loss. This term
is something I have heard many times, however, never fully understood what it
meant. I thought the idea sounded nice, but how is it different than any other
form of weight loss? According to Life
Coach Michelle Rober, she explains that, “transformational weight loss is the
spontaneous experience of the body actually becoming lighter through the
alignment of your thoughts, your beliefs and your actions. Transformational
weight loss is the result of self-acceptance and the desire and commitment to
live a more vibrant life (michellerober.com, Ditch Counting Calories & Discover the Secrets of Transformational
Weight Loss).” Please feel free to
re-read that until it really sinks in, and check out her article as well!
The experience of living a vibrant life is the best feeling
on earth. You develop a form of self-discipline (in the most positive of
sense!) and self-care that is based on love for yourself. Your consumption decisions
are no longer based on impulse or burning desire or craving, but more of a
mindful approach to what the body, mind and soul need. Desires to binge and obsessive
cravings subside – and a newfound respect for your SELF arises from within. It might
seem easier said than done, or maybe this isn’t sinking in for you –but if this
is a change you want to see yourself, start with the desire to change. For me,
if I imagine myself as a 5-year-old child, my perspective automatically shifts
to love for myself, and the desire to gently care for myself. Through practice,
this will become more like second-nature – and you will feel more alive than
you ever have before.
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