yearns

and my heart still yearns for you
after all these years
proof that love exists outside of space
and outside of time
and so
all that i can do
is love you from afar
hoping somehow
it reaches you

in dialogue with my heart

at times,
my thoughts are angry, selfish and
bitter…
at times,
my thoughts are painful.
yet i still hold onto them,
as if they are a part of me…
or all of me.
my identit(y)ies.
my self. 

these thoughts are in dialogue with my heart.
with this dialogue i sense, i see,
i become aware...
of my lack of gratitude -
my lack of patience and peace -
for all that is...
and at times,
this awareness gracefully co-exists
with the persistent tantrums of my mind.
even when i know, in my soul,
that
i
am
so
blessed.
for blessings exist in every moment of life.
and moments are life.
and, the essence of a moment…
exists in how it
makes you feel.
and,
here we are,
emotions,
rising and falling
with every passing moment.
a continuous cycle…
always sensing for
that middle ground.
where,
no matter what -
all feels right
in that moment…
the moment(s) of eternal balance.

don't be fooled by guilt

don’t be fooled by guilt
it sneaks upon you -  
planting its roots before you even notice its presence
then comes the self-talk
about what we shoulda, coulda, woulda done
hating on ourselves  -
before we even gave ourselves a chance.
know this…
guilt removes the possibility of happiness,
the possibility of love.
it takes you out of the present moment
turns you against yourself
and others --
and conceals the natural,
unconditional
and unending love we are capable of feeling
for ourselves
others
and all of life.
don’t let guilt rob you of love.
and the love for life.
no matter the circumstance -
always forgive
yourself and others.
let it go.
let it be.
and no matter what --
love unconditionally.

transformational weight loss and weight stability = mind + body + soul connection

Like many other young females, I am somebody who at several points in my life experienced an eating disorder. I was "successful" at this disorder and at one point got down to nearly 100 pounds on my 5’5” frame. Everyone told me I was ‘too skinny’ and little did they know that was feeding my desire to be thin, and encouraging me to become even thinner.

In hindsight, believe my obsession with my weight and food management was largely attributed to my desire to control the situations I was in. Each time I fell back into my eating disorder, I was living in an unstable home/work/life environment – and by controlling my weight, in turn I felt I was controlling my circumstances which felt out of control.

To be honest, despite my unhealthy obsession with my weight and food, I loved the way I felt on a daily basis. I had a sense of confidence and my body felt really good.

There were however, always the low ‘relapse’ times where I would binge eat to the point of feeling like I couldn’t move. I believe this was because most of the time, my body felt like it was starving, so as soon as I would relax on my obsession, I would eat as much as I could to satisfy this hunger.

Through the starving and binging, there was a constant self-talk in my head. This self-talk was very harsh and hateful toward me. “You would look better if you just lost 5 more pounds.”  “You ate too much last night, you will look fat. Don’t eat another thing today.” And on and on. I was never loving to myself, always critical. I never considered the state of my health; it was about my physical appearance only. I look back at pictures now and can’t believe how skinny I look – but at the time, I still did not feel comfortable enough to run shirtless in a sports bra (my major goal at the time - which I felt I never reached).

The time came where I finally left my unhealthy, uncontrollable life situation, which I believe was the major cause of my eating disorder. This change happened within 24 hours and bam - I was in an entirely new state, with new people and a new job around me. My life circumstances were totally different to be honest, I was nervous about all the change, even though it was all for the better, I had a fear inside me that I wouldn’t have a reason (aka unsafe life situation) to control my weight. (side note, this sounds crazy to me now, but it is what I thought!) There was definitely a truth to this because I did gain weight back – about 20 pounds over the past two years.  Some of this was frankly done in binge eating – eating (and drinking) my emotions as I transitioned out of my bad situation. Feeling that the food was a comfort to me, then old habits kick in and I would starve myself again out of regret for eating so much. I have been in a battle with myself between letting go and falling back into the unhealthy obsession with my body and weight. However, I can truthfully say that I am improving.  Breaking those obsessive habits takes a true purpose and desire to – and also a true love of oneself.  Over the past two years, through a lot of ups and downs, I have become more consistent in my health practices. I have grown in love and compassion for myself which has resulted in me treating myself with kindness and respect, and a growing desire to take good care of myself... through mind, body and soul. 

I can also attribute this new found form of healthy ‘self-care’ and weight maintenance to the idea of transformational weight loss. This term is something I have heard many times, however, never fully understood what it meant. I thought the idea sounded nice, but how is it different than any other form of weight loss?  According to Life Coach Michelle Rober, she explains that, “transformational weight loss is the spontaneous experience of the body actually becoming lighter through the alignment of your thoughts, your beliefs and your actions. Transformational weight loss is the result of self-acceptance and the desire and commitment to live a more vibrant life (michellerober.com, Ditch Counting Calories & Discover the Secrets of Transformational Weight Loss).”  Please feel free to re-read that until it really sinks in, and check out her article as well!

The experience of living a vibrant life is the best feeling on earth. You develop a form of self-discipline (in the most positive of sense!) and self-care that is based on love for yourself. Your consumption decisions are no longer based on impulse or burning desire or craving, but more of a mindful approach to what the body, mind and soul need. Desires to binge and obsessive cravings subside – and a newfound respect for your SELF arises from within. It might seem easier said than done, or maybe this isn’t sinking in for you –but if this is a change you want to see yourself, start with the desire to change. For me, if I imagine myself as a 5-year-old child, my perspective automatically shifts to love for myself, and the desire to gently care for myself. Through practice, this will become more like second-nature – and you will feel more alive than you ever have before.

Through experience comes wisdom

There is much to be said about the personal growth that comes through experience. We often hear of people “learning the lesson the hard way” and there is much truth and personal proof to that. At times, we may look for that shortcut to our own improvement, only to realize that we often need personal and direct experiences – to learn the lesson the hard way, in order to cause a permanent and fundamental change of beliefs.  

These experiences come in many forms – both good and bad, and sometimes even involve reaching a rock bottom in order absolutely feel the need to change not only in your mind, but also within your heart. For example, the alcoholic that has to lose everything – happiness, relationships, money, health and home in order to finally go to the AA meeting and finally quit drinking. Or an individual has to reach 300 pounds and be faced with death before they realize a change in their eating habits must occur. Or at a less extreme level, the woman who keeps dating the narcissist men until she finally realizes she is worthy of being with a kind, loving and compassionate individual. Or the man who equates his worth to money, therefore chases it his entire life in order to feel successful – only to realize that it never made him genuinely happy. Though these difficult lessons in life, we grow in our own ability to be aware and mindful to our life experiences. With this awareness comes mindful, conscious decisions for our overall well-being; whereas before, many of our poor decisions were made based on unconscious forms of habit picked up along the way – which never really fulfilled us to begin with.

There are also positive experiences, the beautiful gifts of life which cause us to grow in love on many levels. For example, when two people become parents for the first time – and the experience of the love they have for their child is like nothing they have ever felt before and they are forever changed as a person because of it. Or the experience of feeling unconditionally loved for the first time in your life. Or to truly experience the freedom of forgiveness for another person – especially after having held on to anger or resentment for a long period of time. And to also experience having been forgiven by another person, especially when you feel that you have done something unforgivable. These encounters are rich, and transformative from the inside out. They can result in significant growth of an individual and make them a more loving, understanding and patient human being.

In any circumstance, whether perceived as positive or negative, there is an opportunity for our perspective and fundamental beliefs to shift in a way that can make us feel like an entirely different person - causing new habits and ways of being that, in time, become like second nature to us. Outside resources - books, lectures and teachers, provide us with knowledge and support at an intellectual level, but it is up to the individual to absorb that knowledge through experience and contemplation, and then to transform it into a true understanding – at a heart and soul level. To do this requires patience, humility and dedication to your own transformation. Through this, we become better people ourselves and in turn, are better for everybody around us. This is a life-long practice and the opportunities for growth and improvement are endless. When we have the ability to truly embody the moments we are in through the act of being present, there is always an underlying wisdom and teaching to all that is happening within and around us; and wisdom exists in all moments and circumstances – big and small, and our intuition is our guide.  

 

with love,

katie lain

our mentors are our mirrors

I am somebody who seeks mentorship anywhere I can. I know a mentor when I feel their impact in my heart and soul. They move me, motivate me and inspire me to be a better person. I aspire to fully live out my life as they do theirs. This comes in many forms – friends, colleagues, books, teachers, speakers, bloggers, movies and even strangers.

One misconception I have come to realize which I have with my mentors is that, in a way, I tend to put them on a pedestal. I see them in a light of perfection that feels beyond my grasp.  A belief exists within me which seems to teeter between unconscious and conscious, that says I will never be able to reach their status of 'perfection' or achievement because of my own self-imposed limiting beliefs about my capabilities and worth.

I and we must always remember that every situation and circumstance we encounter in life is a mirrored reflection of what is happening within us - both good and bad (reflecting on the mirror of the negative circumstances in life is for another post). That means that the people I look up to and yearn to be like, already exist within me, but have only not been realized yet.

The knowledge and wisdom of who, what, how and where I want to be is already within me. I can become all of those beautiful qualities which I so deeply admire of my mentors.  This can be achieved first with mindfulness of what I want to be – what satisfies my soul, the belief that I can and the consistent practice toward my purpose.

This is true for all of us.

 with love,

katie lain

Jewel "Deep Water" Lyrics

The lyrics to this song...

 

 

L O V E

T H E M

O H

S O

M U C H

 

<3

 

"Deep Water"

You find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky
But you heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
You wake up to realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anybody who cared in the end
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
'Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love, love, love
It's nothing without love
We've compromised our pride
And sacrificed out health
We have to demand more
Not of each other
But more from ourselves
"Cause when you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
When you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love, love, love
It's nothing without love
It's nothing without love

good.

"being a good person is more than just not being a bad person."

-- a. lee martinez

to be good is something that has become as natural to me as breathing.

why that is i cannot say.

maybe it was the way i was raised...

the circumstances i've faced in life - positive and negative.

the feeling of love i have from deep within,

the connection to my higher power,

my deep appreciation for all of life...

or maybe it's all of these and more.

anything other than good hurts… it feels suffocation, feels wrong.

but, what is good?

good is right. good is truth. good is sustainable to life and a conscious decision we make about a way of being - each and every day.

good is not overly celebrated or recognized.

but it rewards from within.

it allows us to honor and embrace this beautiful life we've be gifted.

because for me, when i really sit and think about it -- life. is. magical.

these breaths i breathe and feelings i feel are not fully describable with words.

but good is also subjective.

and this is where ethics comes in. and integrity. experience. wisdom. environment. love. 

do we all interpret being a "good" person in the same way?

do we all have the same understanding of the difference between good (right) and bad (wrong)?

and then there are the gray areas…

in between right and wrong.

where does right end and wrong begin?

who sets this gauge?

who is the judge?

who is the score keeper?

18 thoughts to carry with you throughout your day

start your day happy

18 positive thoughts… affirmations… reminders

to carry with you throughout the day

thy will not my will be done.

unlimited creativity flows through me.

my insecurity is no more real than a shadow.

remember, we create in the positive or we create in the negative.

i'm here to bring positive, creative energy into the world.

creative energy can create, nourish or destroy you. 

call forth the confidence to continue practice in the face of mistakes, difficulties and setback.

i deserve financial freedom.

my work is creative and i love what i do.

i am safe.

I don't need anything or anybody else to complete me.

my passion points me toward where I can contribute most in this world.

criticism is a form of caring. there are grains of love in any form of feedback.

when i get past self doubt, abundance flow naturally… almost without effort.

i am an open channel of loving energy.

i move others to joy and inspiration. 

i am a force of light in the world.

abundance is an attitude and a bountiful feeling. 

Frustration moves you

The energy behind frustration… behind anger is a powerful force. It can create a momentum that generates change. A change that you have potentially wanted for a long while – whether consciously or subconsciously, but have not had a force influential enough to make it happen.

Early on in my awakening I thought of these emotions as simply negative. I thought they were bad and we should not allow them to surface. What I have learned, however, is that these “negative emotions” are only bad if we impulsively react to them. This sort of reaction can produce negative and harmful effects where we think, say and do things we undoubtedly regret later on. If we can allow these emotions to simply be… soon enough, they will pass – and in the interim until they do, a lot of introspection and growth can happen.

We always hear -- and truthfully, deeply understand the power that is also behind more “positive emotions” – those of gratitude and love. This power can create change and move you too… to be better, happier and more loving. These emotions are some of the best I’ve ever felt.  However, to maintain these emotions 100% of the time is unfeasible. We are only human and ever-evolving, ever-learning, ever-changing spiritually.

It is important to realize that the emotions we feel – from love and gratitude to anger and frustration - are all essential to our spiritual growth. They provide insight and understanding to oneself and the world around us. All emotions change us and keep us developing on our spiritual path – so long as we are mindful of them.

The Law of Higher Will

excerpt from 

"The Life You Were Born to Live" 

by Dan Millman.

page 381

***

The Law of Higher Will

"From the viewpoint of our separate self

and smaller will,

it's normal to act on the basis

of our own desires and preferences;

when we surrender to our smaller self and will

to the guidance of a higher will

and dedicate our actions

for the highest good of all concerned, 

we feel an inspired glow

at the center of our life."

Life is this simple:

We are living in a transparent world,

and God shine through in every moment.

This is not just a fable ora  nice story;

it is living truth.

If we remember God, abandon ourselves to God,

and forget ourselves,

we may see this truth:

God manifests everywhere, in everything.

We cannot be without God.

It's impossible.

It's simply impossible.

- Thomas Merton

The Freedom of Self Control

"Through discipline comes Freedom."

- Aristotle 

I feel the idea of 'self control' has a sort of negative connotation to it that intimidates people from it. It feels difficult and like hard work.  But without self control, there is only impulse - right or wrong. 

To me, self control is the daily practice of mindfulness. Where in the present moment, you take the opportunity to consider how your decision now will impact your future self… meaning, your future self 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months from now. Though this practice, you gain awareness of the present moment. You gain the opportunity to check-in with what you want for your future self on a regular basis.

We have circumstances that arise everyday where self control can be practiced. And through the practice of self control… mindfulness… discipline… a connection forges from your heart to your higher power. However you interpret that power. It's a feeling that can be described as magical - exciting, inspiring and energizing… and nothing is more freeing. From it comes a genuine connection to your true self, a humble self-confidence and peace within that you carry within you no matter what good, bad or mundane circumstances come your way. Because they all will at one time or another.

What I've learned through this…  is to simply never give up on your practice of self control… of discipline and mindfulness. You will falter! You will find happiness in acting on impulse and feel that at times it's easier to. But I've learned this happiness is fleeting and only temporary. The happiness that exists with the practice of mindfulness and self control comes from deep within and has no bearing to the present circumstances or conditions - it exists eternally and indefinitely... and is within each and every one of us. We just have to connect to it.