I experienced my spiritual awakening about two years ago. I’ve
learned that no two spiritual awakenings are the same… but that they do share commonalties.
I was faced with a lot of hardships
growing up – including sexual abuse, unsafe living environments and the absence
of my father.
As I grew older, I was essentially unaware of the pain these
instances caused as I had blocked most of it out of my memory. I believe they served as motivators for me in
life. I had always worked hard in school and work. I graduated with my Bachelor’s
Degree just after I turned 21 – I was very ambitious and all I wanted was to be
successful – which I measured by money, material things and a good-looking
boyfriend. To me, these things equaled happiness.
After college, I spent my early 20s in California – which had
always been a dream of mine. I was dating the man I had had a crush on since
childhood and we were running a small successful fashion business together. Everything
around me appeared to be perfect, the ‘success’ I had always imagined for
myself. And I wanted it so deeply that I ignored the feeling inside myself that
knew it wasn’t right.
My relationship with my boyfriend was very unhealthy…. Yet it
looked good on the outside and at the time, that was good enough for me. But things
only worsened over time. Our relationship was filled with emotional and
physical abuse, alcoholism and destructive behaviors and habits. After 5 years
of life in California, with my dream guy and my dream business, I found myself
in the darkest place of my life – a rock bottom, and all I could do was wonder
how the heck I had gotten there when everything appeared to be what I had
wanted.
Depression, anxiety and anger were emotions I felt daily.
The feeling of happiness was only a memory and I had turned into a person I didn’t
even recognize. I wanted help and to be better so desperately… but I couldn’t
see how to do that.
At the time I didn’t have a connection what-so-ever to God
or a higher power. I thought of it on such a shallow level. On a physical level,
conceptually, the existence of God didn’t make sense, so I wrote it off. I had
never had the emotional, ‘heart’ experience of God before.
I remember crying in the mirror almost every day… begging for
an answer to ‘what is wrong with me?’ ‘please help me!’ and ‘who am I?’
This was my rock bottom…. and this is where my healing and spiritual
awakening began.
It began slowly. I started to read self-help books and began
listening to guided meditations. Through this I learned how powerful our minds
are. I no longer saw myself as a victim to my rough childhood or to my current
life situation. I kept hearing and reading that we create our own reality with
our thoughts and beliefs… and that we can change our thoughts and ultimately change
as a person…. I realized deeply that I was not ‘stuck’ with who I had become. I
could change and happiness is a choice – I wanted to be happy! I wanted it so
much.
I learned that there are 3 essential keys to self transformation and they are: having the desire to do so, the discipline to put forth effort and action every day toward your goals and lastly, patience to allow yourself to transform… because it takes time.
After a couple of months of diligent self-help reading,
meditation and finding a spiritual path through Buddhism, I began to see things
differently… and this happened automatically – without having to try to see
things differently. I began to feel gratitude in my heart for simply being alive.
My anxiety was slowly fading away and a
sense of calmness came over me.
For me, I had a significant experience in my awakening that occurred in just a moment of time which I believe was the
result of months and months of seeking for truth and wanting to be better. After
that moment, my life was transformed forever. It was about two years ago and I remember
it so vividly and still feel it so deeply.
I had been studying the practice of Buddhism and was listening
to a Buddhist mantra – Mantra of Avalokiteshvara – which I was just drawn to
and listened to several times a day for months leading up to this. It just felt
healing. As I was listening to it, I was in the bathroom doing my hair and all
of the sudden I felt this wave of warm, light, tingling energy wash over my
body from head to toe. I instantly broke down in tears of joy and realized that
at this moment, I had forgiven so many people and things that I had subconsciously
been holding onto my whole life. I think it was my first true experience with
forgiveness. I cried tears of compassion and had a sense of understanding for
all of the people that I felt had hurt me in my life. It was as if I was seeing
things from their perspective and all I could feel was unconditional love for
them. To this day, it was the most profound and enriching experience I have ever
had.. and from that day forward, I was changed.
I had released ‘baggage’ that I had been carrying around since early
childhood and no longer felt victimized by it. I understood… and all that I wanted
to do was express love to those people that hurt me.
With this new sense of understanding, I felt so connected to
my higher self. I had a love in my heart that I had never experienced before –
and the love was for everybody. I was more at peace than I had ever been and
felt safe and genuinely happy. This experience changed me so much and I was
able to peacefully let go of all of the unhealthy people and situations in life
which weren’t serving me.
It has been about two years and I continue to nurture my spirituality
through meditation, reading, yoga and life experiences – good and bad, which
offer valuable lessons. In the past two years I have transformed myself for the
better so much. Every day provides opportunities for insight, love and wisdom.
I have found a sense of peace and happiness that is stable and always with me.
And although I do get the lows of depression or anxiety, it is far less often,
far less intense and never long-lasting.
with love,
katie lain
